I met with a friend today who is navigating a very difficult time in his life. He is having to confront many of his inner demons, behaviour and choices made over the years that have led to outcomes that are proving challenging in numerous ways. A man who is incredibly loving, kind, self-aware, reflective, taking full responsibility for his life and choices, and also hurting very deeply. 

As I sat opposite him today, witnessing the blend of love, pain, loss, longing, grief, anger, confusion and equal amounts of joy, hope and light emanate from him, I reflected on how good it felt to be able to ‘be with’ him as he navigates this time.

Privileged in fact. 

I felt at ease with the depths of the pain that I could see and feel in his world, with the hope in his eyes, with the equal amounts of holding/bracing and contrasting surrender in his body, and privileged to be allowed to witness the tremendous amount of love in his heart and the willingness in him to allow that to be seen.

It is indeed a rare privilege to bear witness to a man in his vulnerability. One that I hold with deep reverence. 

I left feeling like I had been graced with something, with an opportunity to love. To love someone in all of their humanity. The dark and the light. To love without judgment, without attachment, without needing it to be anything other than a meeting of two souls in the deep truth of vulnerability, imperfection and the roller coaster journey of being alive. 

And to extend that love to myself as well.

Everything I saw and felt in him today, I have felt and experienced in myself. The pain, the regret, the sadness, the joy, the hope, the longing, the grief, the love, the anger, the frustration, the confusion, the surrender and most importantly the willingness to be seen in all of it. In this way there can be no judgment because I am him, and he is me. We are mirrors to each other, coexisting in all of our humanity. If I resist any of what he is meeting in himself, I am resisting myself and those parts of me. 

Over the years I have allowed myself to go to all of those places in myself, and I have learned how to be a home for all that surges through my body. I know my darkness very well, I know my light and all of the shades in between. As a consequence I am able to be with all that is surging through him. I could offer him my full presence. Without needing to fix, change or alter the experience in any way, or have to numb or brace myself to be able to hold him in all of it.

Often big feelings like anger, rage, grief etc. are very difficult to be with, both in ourselves, and also in the company of others. Culturally big feelings are not accepted and most of us have not been taught how to feel. We try to find ways to suppress or minimise them, distract from them or somehow ‘make them better’. But in actual fact, all they need is for us to grow the capacity to feel them fully. Simple, not necessarily easy.

Being present for someone in their darkest moments is a profound act of love and compassion. But to be fully present, I have learned, requires us to first be present for ourselves, to embrace our own darkness and light, and to be at home with all the emotions that accompany them. Only then can we extend that same level of acceptance and empathic understanding to others.

Witnessing my friend's journey reminded me of the importance of growing the capacity to allow ourselves and others to feel deeply, without judgment or the need to fix. It is in the depths of our pain and vulnerability that we find our humanity and our capacity to love, and ultimately our capacity to heal.

As we navigate the complexities of life, may we remember to be gentle with ourselves and with each other. May we embrace all the shades of humanity with open hearts and open minds, knowing that in our shared vulnerabilities, we find our truest connections.

Maraya x

If growing the capacity to be with your full experience in this way is something that calls you, I’d love to connect with you. Please reach out for a free 30 minute connection chat, we can discuss your individual needs and how I can best support you.