My trauma was developmental, stemming from misattunement and unmet emotional needs in a loving but restrictive household. Raised to be silent, a peacekeeper, and a people-pleaser, I disconnected from my authentic self and my emotions. I took that conditioning into my adult life and relationships and abandoned myself to please others, feeling disempowered, unseen and unheard. I believed I didn’t matter, and that I wasn’t enough. I felt trapped, frustrated and reached for coping strategies to mitigate the conflict I felt within. I overworked, overthought, over-exercised, over-spiritualised and pretty much overdid everything to mitigate the lack of agency I felt in my life. I dealt with chronic stress, TMJ, bulimia, insomnia, and a belief that I needed to mold to others’ expectations to receive love and validation. This pattern shaped my health, relationships, and set the stage for later trauma.

The journey home to myself has been one of coming back to my body, and learning how to feel all the things I had been running from. Deeply and courageously. The depth of my grief, the shock still held in my tissues, the anger I had shut down for years, the fear that was still driving me and the love that exists beneath all of that. Slowly releasing old patterns of avoidance and numbing, and moving away from mind-centred therapeutic interventions that kept me ‘overthinking’ and disconnected from my body, to body-centred inquiry, meeting the stored stress at its roots with compassion, curiosity and love. I had no idea that this would also be the pathway into knowing my spiritual self deeply. Ending the search outside of myself and instead recognising that all I was seeking was within, I just had to learn how to listen and feel. It has deepened my connection with my intuition and inner guidance, with what I call the divine, supported me to cultivate fulfilling relationships, made me a better mother, partner and friend, helped me find purpose and direction in my work, and most importantly helped me land in the place I now call home. 

My partner’s death was an avalanche in my life, my illness from mold an earthquake to follow; both of these were crises that turned out to be my greatest teachers, leading to my deepest healing and most beautiful awakening. Adversity, pain and challenges often are if we know how to work with the material that arises in their wake. Reconciling his death, along with the loss of my parents, parenting alone, and restoring my health amidst daily stresses, has taught me much about emotional resilience and the value of doing the work that matters most.