A First-Hand Experience of Why Speaking Up feels Equal to the Fear of Death.

Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash

There is a beautiful saying I hear many years ago that I have held onto as a guidepost for my life when I meet challenges that are difficult to confront.

I walked to the edge of the abyss and I jumped.

A few weeks ago I had an experience that has profoundly shifted a long-held pattern of holding my voice back. I was in the car, driving on the highway, on the phone with a dear friend that means the world to me (hands free of course). I was sitting with some very uncomfortable emotions, armed with the recognition that I needed to voice some very uncomfortable truths about our friendship that would potentially create conflict within our relationship.

My heart was beating at 5 times its normal rate, my body felt like it was experiencing severe anxiety and right before I mustered up the courage to share what was on my heart, all of the moisture in my mouth disappeared and I felt my lips shrivel and stick together. Have you ever had this experience?

If you’ve ever wondered why it can be so hard to speak up sometimes, this is it. This is what we run from. It was so uncomfortable, so frightening and so unbelievably activating that my body wanted to shut down.

Had I not been armed with the knowledge that I have, and the ability to witness myself and the process I was in without identifying with it or letting it stop me, I would have shut my mouth at that point, and silenced myself. Like I had done for decades prior. Truth would not have been told and I would be left with inner-conflict that had no resolution.

The truth I shared did create conflict. Inner-conflict for me, for my friend and between us. But I have grown the capacity within myself to be OK with that, knowing that conflict is a necessary part of growth. 

But still, it isn’t easy. Speaking for me in that moment was like jumping off the edge of a cliff into the abyss.

The next day I worked with a fellow somatic therapist to address the reaction that my body had in that moment, and we met some very early experiences that had shaped what I believed I needed to say, how I needed to be, and what I needed to do in order to stay safe in my relationships with others. Avoiding conflict was highest on that list. Conflict was dangerous and my perception of it was that it was a threat to my survival. My reptilian brain was telling me that I need to belong and be accepted in order to survive.

What I felt in that moment in the car, was pure survival energy. This is what many people feel when they hold back their voice. This is the experience of the fear of death that is equated with public speaking.

In my session that day, we met that survival energy consciously, bearing witness to it and staying with until it moved through my body and released. That survival energy had been held in my tissues, bones, jaw and belly for decades. What I had been running from, and the many experiences that shaped my life as a result, was the intensity of the feeling of that.

Often the very thing we try to avoid, is a feeling. An intense, uncomfortable feeling. The beauty is that when we grow the capacity to feel that feeling in its entirety, there is no further reason to run, hide or distract from it.

That day, I confronted something that had been driving me since I was a little girl. And I have the gift of that friendship, and the profound safety within it that allowed me to experience something that has forever changed the way I relate to that sensation.

I recognise now that this feeling, this intensity, this discomfort is actually the feeling of my internal power needing expression, and when I allow it it becomes the creative force that brings my whole world into alignment with my heart. How we use our voice creates our world.

Whether you are called to voice things in your personal relationships that are not in alignment with your truth, or you need to meet situations in your professional life that ask you to be a stand for who you are and what you believe in, you are likely to meet this experience. The reality is that sharing what is true, whether in your writing or speaking, personal or professional sphere, will always invite conflict, criticism and the potential for rejection, because your truth will not always align with that of others. That is in fact a gift, and is what will be the catalyst and ground for you to grow your tribe in your professional sphere, and your aligned community in your personal.

I believe it is our responsibility as human beings on this planet to live, speak and take action according to what is aligned with our heart and deeply true for us, otherwise the very person we abandon and betray is ourselves. The inner conflict of that is excruciating, and lasts a lot longer than meeting the experience of survival energy in the body. 30 minutes of discomfort, versus over 40 years of inner-conflict. I know which one I will choose from this point on.

A few things have changed in the friendship I speak of since that day, something closed, something opened and something new and beautiful was born. This is the nature of being a stand for yourself and what you believe in. It sets into motion a life that is built on truth, and that is a life worth loving.

If you are feeling called, reach out for a free 30 minute connection chat chat. It might just be the beginning of a whole new way of living that helps you come home to yourself.

Maraya x